Pink Giraffe Musing

Sometimes I wonder how and if I can ever be enough……. can I ever everything my children need,  can I make up for the lack of a father in our home, can I love them enough for 2 parents even though I am just one, can I make it to all the events and games and lessons and practices, can I  stay on top of all the homework and tests and projects?  In addition, can I be everything I am expected to be at work, can I meet all the regular demands, have the energy, stamina, and creativity I need to handle the daily rigors of my job?  Can I manage, in addition, a romantic relationship and friendships?  Can I be the daughter my mom needs, the aunt, the sister I should be?  Can I be everything I need to everyone all of the time?  I don't know.  I know I often feel like I fall short in every category all of the time, and I hate it. I never thought I would be a single parent.  I actually hate telling people that I am, presuming they assume I am divorce...

In February 2011, I started an incredible journey of health, fitness, strength, and smaller clothes sizes.  I know I said, and I'm pretty sure I wrote, that if I could get back to the way I looked at 18 that I'd never let it go.  I lied.  I got there.  I shocked myself, to be sure.  Actually, I think there was a window of time where I was more fit than I had ever been in my entire life.  I mean, I had muscles, real muscles.  Little ones, but you could see them.   In no time, I let it slip away.  Not entirely.  But, enough.  My pre-February 2011 pants would still fall of me, but at the start of this summer I was down to only one regular push up, and I hardly ever run anymore.  The physical strength I had worked so hard to gain was dwindling. In February of 2012, I was in the best physical condition of my adult life, which is a nice place to be at 41.  My kids were doing well, my husband had a job he loved, and was g...

In the first months after Michael passed away, I would try to go about my normal life and do my normal life things like go to Target or the grocery store.  I learned very quickly, that if I went in there on "auto-pilot" I would end up with things in my cart like men's deodorant or body wash that I didn't need anymore.   When I'd realize it was a mix of feeling upset, crazy, and a little mad at myself.  Like, "duh, Beth, figure it out".  After a few such trips to the store, I began the process I now think of as "re-training my brain".   Instead of wandering through a store, I started walking through stores purposefully.  I remember very vividly being at Target one day before a trip to Florida.  I kept saying things to myself (not out loud) like , boys flips flops yes, girls flips flops yes, women's flip flops yes, men's flips flops no we don't need those.  I would do the same thing at the grocery store, because there were several...

        A sucker punch is defined as, "an unexpected punch of blow".  That is exactly what happened to my family last night. By all rights we had a great day.  Just regular really.  I worked out, and we all sort of chilled.  We read, and  played , did the things  children  and teachers  should  do in the  summertime.  And then………. And then we went to see How to Train Your Dragon 2.   Oddly enough, I was the one who wanted to see it the most.  The truth is I kind of begged them to go.  I love the animation.  I loved the first movie.  It was a happy time.  Everyone seemed upbeat.  We went to the theater, like a normal day, and encountered a sweet autistic boy.  My son befriended him over popcorn and icee's and I was feeling rather grand.  The boy's mom even thanked David for being so kind to her son who didn't understand "personal spac...

I did a lot of thinking this morning on the way in to work today.  It's amazing how a 20 minute drive can be filled with such a flurry of thoughts, or some mindless morning talk radio.  Today is my last day of work for this school year.  It's two years now that I have worked here.  Two years since a fragile, new widow walked through the door of this place.  I remember walking in, tears stinging my eyes, thinking these people will never know me as "Michael's wife".  It was profound to me; meeting 60 people at once, and so soon after, who only knew me as a widow.  It has been two years that I have known these co-workers, many of whom I now call friend.  Two years.  I think the woman who walked through those doors is in many ways the same woman I have always been and yet simultaneously a completely different person. Looking back, I think I was just functioning in those early days.  Putting one foot in front of the other, as people te...

I have learned a lot of things in the last 20 months.  One thing is that I am hard on myself.  I saw a counselor for a while and she often told me, "Beth, be easy with yourself".  Apparently, this is not something that comes easily to me.  I hold myself to a high standard.  Always.  I demand a lot from myself, and I don't accept a lot of excuses.  It is why I am who I am.  But, it's not easy being me.  Sometimes I think I would like to do things halfway, or "just get by", but I can't.  I just can't.  I can't quite even imagine what that would look like, especially with regards to my work, or my kids. And while I sometimes feel like a broken mess,  I have to admit, there are still a lot of wonderful things about my life.  My kids are doing well.  They are mostly happy.  They have sad times, and probably always will.  But, they are growing and thriving.  They aren't depressed or failing out of scho...