Pink Giraffe Musing

I did a lot of thinking this morning on the way in to work today.  It's amazing how a 20 minute drive can be filled with such a flurry of thoughts, or some mindless morning talk radio.  Today is my last day of work for this school year.  It's two years now that I have worked here.  Two years since a fragile, new widow walked through the door of this place.  I remember walking in, tears stinging my eyes, thinking these people will never know me as "Michael's wife".  It was profound to me; meeting 60 people at once, and so soon after, who only knew me as a widow.  It has been two years that I have known these co-workers, many of whom I now call friend.  Two years.  I think the woman who walked through those doors is in many ways the same woman I have always been and yet simultaneously a completely different person. Looking back, I think I was just functioning in those early days.  Putting one foot in front of the other, as people tell you to do.  I was taking

I have learned a lot of things in the last 20 months.  One thing is that I am hard on myself.  I saw a counselor for a while and she often told me, "Beth, be easy with yourself".  Apparently, this is not something that comes easily to me.  I hold myself to a high standard.  Always.  I demand a lot from myself, and I don't accept a lot of excuses.  It is why I am who I am.  But, it's not easy being me.  Sometimes I think I would like to do things halfway, or "just get by", but I can't.  I just can't.  I can't quite even imagine what that would look like, especially with regards to my work, or my kids. And while I sometimes feel like a broken mess,  I have to admit, there are still a lot of wonderful things about my life.  My kids are doing well.  They are mostly happy.  They have sad times, and probably always will.  But, they are growing and thriving.  They aren't depressed or failing out of school. They do dumb things sometimes, but they a