Pink Giraffe Musing

I work hard to be a positive person. I consciously look for the good in everyday, even if it something as small as a drawing from a student, or having leftovers and not having to cook that night (can I get an Amen!).  I am all about choosing joy and having an attitude of gratitude.  I have been know to keep a gratitude journal when things are tough because I don't ever want to forget that I am blessed. But sometimes......sometimes I just can't.  Sometimes it all just seems of unfair, and unjust.  I work hard.  I try hard.  I am nice.  I care about people.  I give my all.   And yet, my life is just not fair.  Being a good person doesn't mean you get an easy life.  Or a nice life.  Living through life altering change doesn't mean that things will go smoothly from here on out.  But for me, it means when things I don't ask for happen to me I don't take it well.  I really don't like when things beyond my cont...

I don't like calling death anniversaries "angelversaries", but lots of people do.  Whatever you call it, this Sunday will be 7 years for us.  It's unfathomable really.  7 years.  And just last week I was thinking I needed to tell him something.  Yes.  Crazy, I know.  It only happens when I am super tired and get lost in my head.  It's like I forget somewhere on some level inside my brain.  It's not uncommon.  A friend's mom has been widowed since I was in college, and she says it still happens to her. Grief is different for everyone and from what I can tell it is different every year. Despite my best efforts, I have not mastered it by any measure.  One of the hardest things for me is not knowing what my kids need.  I want to be there if they need me.  I don't want to smother them if they don't.  I don't want to make them think they should feel any kind of way.  It's a fine line.  I just wish it could go...

Life is busy.  Hectic.  We are all going at a frantic pace, trying to raise kids, do our jobs, run to 18 sporting events each weekend, while keeping up with the laundry and grocery shopping (can I get an Amen?).  Amid the hayrides, pumpkin carving, homecoming photos, and football championships, it seems like something is always happening.  Not always good things.  On a wide scale it sometimes seems like the world is coming unhinged.  On a personal level, my Facebook feed has been filled with breast cancer (3 new cases recently), new widows, and and far too many illnesses and medical diagnoses.  Sometimes it is downright depressing. We have all been there.  Leading our idyllic life with our happy family when tragedy or misfortune strike.  Job loss, job stress, cyber bullying, cancer, car accidents, unknown medical issues with no treatment in sight, and even loss.  No family is immune.  My family was not prepared when we were shoc...

I am an art teacher.  I know lots of teachers.  My children will have 16 teachers combined this school year.  And yet, I don't think I fully realized the impact of teachers until recently. In some ways,  teachers have a lot of power.  They have the power to inspire, encourage, and build up; or to the power to tear down and destroy.  I like to believe most teachers aspire to be a catalyst for positive change, growth, and lifelong success. While I am a teacher.  I am also a mom.   My daughter is growing up before my eyes.  These days the growth is less physical and more emotional and intrapersonal.  She is becoming a person.  A real grown up person separate from me.  She has thoughts about her life and future that have nothing to do with my thoughts ( I don't know about you but this came as a shock to me !).  She has dreams and plans beyond the seeds I have planted in her head.  Sure, I see my hand in it. ...

Stress is bad for us.   There are a lot of things in my life that are stressful.  I am not alone in this.  I am sure you can relate.  It seems that middle age comes with more stress that I could have ever dreamed existed. It is downright depressing some days when I take in the full weight of it all.  I see my friends balancing kids, sports, homework, demanding jobs, and aging parents needing care.  I have friends and know of children battling cancer.  Some struggle with kids doing poorly in school and need tutors they cannot afford.  There is car trouble, car accidents, broken appliances, broken hearts and homes, and then there is work.  For many of us work is the biggest stress producer of them all. If you are lucky you love your job.  But love it or hate it we all NEED our jobs to pay for the mortgage, car payments, car repairs, the new microwave, calculus tutor, and of course, margaritas. Over the past 6 years, I have w...

Twenty years ago today I got married. I only got to have 13 anniversaries.  As a widow, anniversaries 14-19 were fine.  I went to dinner with friends, or did nothing at all and it seemed okay.  Just a day.  Yet, this year the date was looming large and occupying too many of my thoughts.  I was filled with dread.  It was a milestone, and maybe causing me to think about my age and the passage of time.  I have been feeling "some kind of way".  Really, just a lot of different ways. 20 years?  How has it been 20 years?  How is this my 7th solo anniversary?  How am I not still in my 20's (very self absorbed, but I challenge anyone "my age" to not give this one an amen). Wrinkles?  Reading glasses?  Is this for real? I've been reflecting on the many people that were at our wedding that are not here anymore.  They include: my husband, my father, grandfather, grandmother, friend's parents, my parent's friends, and th...

I wrote this one last summer.......never finished it.....til today. Sometimes I start writing posts, and come back to them months later.  Today, I clicked on this one....titled Brave only to discover I hadn't written anything.  Funny.  I wonder what my motivation was on that day.  I know what it is today. People often tell me I am strong.  Mostly, I think they are wrong.  I can see how I might I look that way to some of you.  Make no mistake, I am not.  I am not any stronger than you.  I don't think those of us who have faced loss are any stronger than the average person living the life of Riely. When hardship, loss, illness, or tragedy enter your life, you have two choices....to quit, or to keep going forward and write a new chapter that takes your story in a new direction.  Quitting is not an option.  At least not to me with two kids to raise.  And so you think I am strong. I look strong because I keep going fo...