A Testimony



The days following Michael's death are largely a blur.  I have had friends recount bits and pieces to me.  And besides telling my children that their father was never coming home again, and the moment that my mom walked into my house, I really can't say that I remember a whole lot besides the overwhelming kindness and generosity of people. In the days that followed what I can remember is walking around outside muttering prayers, but mostly saying, "Why?".  Why did this have to happen.  Why, why, why.  And, I know many of you will think I am a complete and utter crazy person when I share this, but, I really feel I was given an answer.  I can remember quite clearly being outside in my driveway, near where Michael fell and hearing quite discernably, "This will be a testimony".  And I remember saying, well then we need to rethink this, because my husband does not need to die for there to be a testimony (as if at that point in time it could have been reversed).  And the next day I asked again...why, and again I heard as clear as I hear hear my children calling "mom" from the next room, "this will be a testimony".  After a few days of this, I stopped asking and made a decision.  This will be a testimony.


I am unsure how this is going to unfold.  I sometimes have day dreams of myself standing before a crowd, reading from a well prepared and planned script.  And if that comes to fruition, so be it.  But I think for now, I am just going to be honest, and open (and possibly overshare a little on facebook from time to time).  I am going to share my highs, my lows, and praise my God through it all.  And maybe that is the testimony.  Maybe that will be my testimony.


This I know, God did not allow my family to be ripped apart and then abandon me.  God did not allow me to become a widow, and my children to grow up without the love and guidance of a caring father for no reason.  I don't know the reason.  I might never know.  And that is okay with me.  I don't have to know.  I have faith.  And, most of the time I have peace.  A peace that mystefies my mind.  A peace that sweeps over me and fills me.  I KNOW we are going to be okay.  I KNOW IT.  I don't doubt it ever.  Not even for a second. The road may be rocky, but I am not afraid. And maybe that is my testimony.   


Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 15, 2012 at 1:18 PM

    Wow.... That is a fabulous outlook and remarkable faith. Never look back!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Georgia KentsJuly 15, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    He did not leave you alone (God or Michael). Our prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete

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