Time

My father didn't talk a lot. But he was wise. When we discussed my youthful concerns he would often attempt to put things into perspective in terms of time to help me see the bigger picture.

After the first day of junior high, I was lamenting the challenges of my combination lock. He told me that before I knew it I would be in 7th grade helping some younger student with their lock because mine would be second nature. When I moved on to high school he informed me that in the blink of and eye I wouldn't be a lost Freshman, but rather a Senior with the world at my feet. He was not wrong. 

Ever since my own children entered middle school it seems life has been whipping by at warp speed. Maybe it was the years spent working all day, driving kids around all night, and attending sporting events all weekend that made time appear to accelerate. But it doesn't really matter how it happened -  here we are.

Time passes quickly. And I have often thought back on my dad's words and the fact that nothing stays the same, most things right themselves, and many things improve with time. 

And so it is that tomorrow marks 10 years. 

This timeframe however, seems impossible. It is hard to wrap my head around. My kids have not lived more life without their dad than with him. I don't really know how we have done it. Sheer will and determination on my part does seem to play some role in it. We will thrive. We will be happy. We will find joy. And in that way we are doing well for the most part, I’d say. Very well. 

Ten years is a long time. But the weird thing with time and grief is that it’s not like normal time. It’s not like my locker. Occasionally, I still find myself thinking of something I’d something I need to ask him “later” or “when I get home”, only to find myself shocked by my own lapse. In many ways it is still fresh. I can still see those little kids sitting in my family room and sleeping in my bed. Sometimes I wonder if he would recognize them if in some way it was possible for him to pass them on the street one day. 

It still sucks. Our hearts still hurt. It still makes me angry sometimes. I still feel cheated. I still think what happened to us is just not fair. Just not fair at all.

And yet time. It’s going forward. The “new normal” of 2012 is just life. Fair, or not, we are getting older. The kids are big (nearly grown),  finding their paths, and taking steps out into the big beautiful world. 

When I look at the past 10 years it’s remarkable what the three of us have accomplished. I’m proud of us. 

Tomorrow is a hard day, but we will get though it: remembering to focus on the good, to look for joy in each day, and love. We have always been and continue to be so loved.