March. March used to be one of my favorite months. It was the gateway into the spring birthday season, David on the first, Sarah on the 23rd (my sister on the 4th), my stepdaughter in April, and Michael on May first. Two months happily dotted with all the birthdays in our house, except mine. Celebrations. Balloons. Joy. Now it is a roller coaster of emotions. It starts about the time I see the shamrocks in stores. I almost recoil. It is then that start to notice the static in the background. The extra tenderness. I cry more readily. Things just seem a little harder. I know it's coming. The best way I can describe it is like I have a program running in the background that I didn't mean to open. But, it won't close. My computer won't work right. It's sluggish. Except it is me. I won't work right. I try not to think. Sometimes I don't. Still, the static is there. The easy tears. It is still coming. I still feel it. It is just a day I tell myself. A crappy day
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New Normal 2.0
My husband died at a bad time. I mean, is there a good time? No, clearly there isn't. We had little kids, we were just getting on our feet again after his long unemployment, I didn't have a real job, we had exactly enough money in the bank to pay the mortgage once, and no life insurance. It was a dismal financial picture. In the weeks after his death, I set out to get a job. ASAP. Those were scary days. I was determined. I was focused. I had a purpose. I applied, wrote essays, dusted off my 10-year-old resume, and hoped for the best. There were so many major decisions to make. And post-loss is not the best time for decision-making. Your brain just doesn't work right. I had to decide so many things anyway. Sell the house and move to Ohio with my family? Uproot the kids? Get a better-paying job in a union state? Or stay here where I know they will be well-loved, with the support of friends and neighbors - my village? I applied both places, and let the j