New Normal 2.0

My husband died at a bad time.  I mean, is there a good time?  No, clearly there isn't.  We had little kids, we were just getting on our feet again after his long unemployment, I didn't have a real job, we had exactly enough money in the bank to pay the mortgage once, and no life insurance.  It was a dismal financial picture. 
In the weeks after his death, I set out to get a job.  ASAP.  Those were scary days.  I was determined.  I was focused. I had a purpose. I applied, wrote essays, dusted off my 10-year-old resume, and hoped for the best. 

There were so many major decisions to make. And post-loss is not the best time for decision-making.  Your brain just doesn't work right.  I had to decide so many things anyway. Sell the house and move to Ohio with my family?  Uproot the kids?  Get a better-paying job in a union state?  Or stay here where I know they will be well-loved, with the support of friends and neighbors - my village?  I applied both places, and let the job decide. Georgia won.  I still say that Michael wouldn't believe it if he knew I stayed (and now teach at the elementary school he attended).

I had been a mostly stay at home mom, working part-time at a preschool teaching art.  My kids were used to having me around. Our lives were calm, predictable, we ate healthy food.  And now, at the hardest point in their life, I had to leave.  I was less present.  They came home to an empty house or had to attend the after school program, and often didn't see me in the mornings at all. It may not seem like much but there were so many changes in such a short time it was hard to take it all in. And I felt so bad not being there every moment.  I was no longer volunteering at school.  I was missing awards programs that I would have never missed before.  And when I was around I was EXHAUSTED. From work and grief, and stress, and trying to do all the things. I was surviving.

I worked all day, cooked, did all the house stuff, all the yard stuff too, the bills, the sports, and God forbid I have car trouble.  It was too much.  I came home DRAINED from work.  Again, less present and more grumpy of a parent than I was before, or ever would want to be.  We were all surviving.  Looking back I barely remember it.  I was just checking boxes. Food. Laundry. Practice. Lesson plans.  Vet. Dentist. I got it all done, but I don't remember how.

There were joys. Happy days. We were not miserable. We got invited on trips with friends. We were blessed with the love, kindness, and support of many kind and beautiful people. I worked hard at proving to them life could be good and happy.  Sometimes I felt like we were on a little ship headed into waters with an unknown destination.  

There were years of club volleyball, metro basketball, tennis, rec lacrosse, travel lacrosse and theater that I am unsure how I survived.  So little sleep.  So little downtime.  So little me time.

And then it stopped.

It's like someone slammed on the breaks.  My kids can drive or get rides home from practice pretty much every day.  All of a sudden I have time.  I have quiet.  I am home in the evenings.  I can drink a glass of wine. I barely know what to do with myself when I am not buried under a mountain of homework. It's been an adjustment.  It still is an adjustment.  I think it is going to be an adjustment for a while.

For the first time since he died, I have quiet. Time. The time to think. Time to grieve. Reflect. Assess. I can say, I am not just surviving. I am living. I am doing well in my career.  I am in grad school. I am dating.  But, I miss him. (And I am thankful my boyfriend can understand that). It is a strange place. A new place. I have the mental bandwidth to process my life and what I have been through and am still living through.

Nine years ago, when we started to forge ahead as a family of three into the "new normal", I hadn't imagined that in days and weeks and years ahead the new normal would shift and change. The new normal of 2012 is just life now, and I am quickly heading for a newer quieter new normal. The new normal 2.0.  I am not so sure how I feel about it. It is going to take some getting used to.