March. March used to be one of my favorite months. It was the gateway into the spring birthday season, David on the first, Sarah on the 23rd (my sister on the 4th), my stepdaughter in April, and Michael on May first. Two months happily dotted with all the birthdays in our house, except mine. Celebrations. Balloons. Joy.

Now it is a roller coaster of emotions.

It starts about the time I see the shamrocks in stores. I almost recoil. It is then that start to notice the static in the background. The extra tenderness. I cry more readily. Things just seem a little harder.

I know it's coming.

The best way I can describe it is like I have a program running in the background that I didn't mean to open. But, it won't close. My computer won't work right. It's sluggish. Except it is me. I won't work right. 

I try not to think. Sometimes I don't. Still, the static is there. The easy tears. It is still coming. I still feel it. 

It is just a day I tell myself. A crappy day, but just a day. 

It is just a day. A day my life and family changed forever. And for that there is grief. That static reminding me we have walked another year away from that little cute, happy birthday celebrating family. We have done it again. This time will be our 9th time. It's awful and I am so proud of us for making it at the same time. It is hard to think we have done so much without him here. They have grown from tiny people into almost grown-ups. So many things to mourn. 

Tomorrow, the static will be gone abs we will step into the completely unfathomable year ten of this journey..

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