How to Treat a Widow

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” -Albert Camus

This I know to be true......there is not a wrong way or a right way to grieve.  There is also not a wrong way or a right way to treat someone who is grieving.  But, given my recent firsthand knowledge on the topic, I will say, there are things I would recommend and suggest, just in case you are interested should you find yourself dealing with someone going through what I am going through.  Frankly, if you know me and you are reading this, I hope you never know another woman under 80 who loses her husband to anything but old age, but being that I myself now have 8 (yes 8!) widow friends, and I am the OLDEST of all of them, I don't think that is likely. 


So, for what it is worth.  Here is what I think:


1.  Treat me as normally as possible.  If you treat me normally, I will be much happier and I will be able to be myself around you.  If I am able to feel and act normally, I am also more likely to talk to you, because I will feel comfortable.  Don't tip toe around me, or make sad, pitiful faces at me. Something profound and life altering has happened to me, yes, but I am still the person you have always known.  A slightly changed version, but still her nonetheless.  If you treat me differently, it is going to change things between us.


2.  Don't assume.  Don't assume that I want this or need that or should go here, or not go there.  I am navigating a river.  Some days the waters are smooth and clear and maybe I want to go somewhere and do something.  Other days it is like riding down the rapids and being sucked under and I can barely leave the couch.  I will let you know where I am.  Don't second guess me.  Just accept me where and how I am.


3.  Know that there is no wrong way to grieve -- and no right way to grieve and that no two people grieve at the same rate or in the same manner.  If you see me smiling, be happy for me.  I am having a good day.  If you see me smiling tomorrow or the next day, maybe I am having a good week.  Be happy for me.


4.  Do not judge me.  Many widows feel judged.  Something about widowhood makes us feel a bit on display.  People notice us, give us "the widow stare" -- and if you have done this to me I forgive you because no one is prepared for this, or knows how to act/react.  But, now that you know, refer to #1 and treat me normally.


5.  Be available.  I have had friends offer to come over any time day or night.  I know who you are, and I still may call you yet.  I have friends who have offered to help with undesirable tasks...and I have not forgotten that either.  If I never call you to help, the kindnesses you have offered still touch my heart so deeply.  To know I am loved, it means the world.  Really, THE WORLD.  It means EVERYTHING.


6.  If too much time goes by, reach out to me again.  I am tired.  I am not trying to withdraw, but I am scatterbrained, and while I would like to see you, I am most likely going to leave the social planning to others for the foreseeable future (oh and single parenting has left me rather busy).  It is just a little more than my plate can handle for now.  So, if it seems like I have dropped the ball.....well, I have.  I am adjusting to single parenting (which is hard, and way more than I signed up for) and work and everything else.


7.  Pretty, pretty please, with ice cream and a cherry on top don't ask me....."how are YOU doing?"  because, if I wanted to, I would tell you without you having to ask ( see #1).  And also, if I am not telling you a) I don't want to talk about it or b) I don't want to talk about it with you.  Sorry.  But I don't.  Asking me only makes me feel pressured and makes me clam up.



Mostly this....be kind, be forgiving, and don't judge me.  HUG me at every opportunity!  Don't judge (did I mention that already?), don't expect a lot from me.  I am establishing a new normal, not just for me but also for 2 precious little people.  Just be present with me and there for me.  Know I am not quite right in my head all the time, and love me anyway. I am doing the best the I can, and that is all that I can do.  NEVER, ever, ever hesitate to reach out, that is the biggest thing I have learned.  I will never hesitate to reach out again.  I need you, be there.


So there it is, as I see it anyway.