Enough?

Sometimes I wonder how and if I can ever be enough……. can I ever everything my children need,  can I make up for the lack of a father in our home, can I love them enough for 2 parents even though I am just one, can I make it to all the events and games and lessons and practices, can I  stay on top of all the homework and tests and projects?  In addition, can I be everything I am expected to be at work, can I meet all the regular demands, have the energy, stamina, and creativity I need to handle the daily rigors of my job?  Can I manage, in addition, a romantic relationship and friendships?  Can I be the daughter my mom needs, the aunt, the sister I should be?  Can I be everything I need to everyone all of the time?  I don't know.  I know I often feel like I fall short in every category all of the time, and I hate it.

I never thought I would be a single parent.  I actually hate telling people that I am, presuming they assume I am divorced.  Sometimes I say I am a widow and an only parent, because, while I know it is hard being a single parent, really (if the ex carries even some of the weight), they have it easy, kind of.  They get "off" half of every week, or every other weekend, or some amount of time at some point.  They are just a grown-up person…..can sleep in, or take a bath uninterrupted.  They are in the house alone.  It is quiet, no one needs a snack or a band-aid or help with their homework.  They can make dinner and no one winces in pain and agony at the grossness and horror of it.  They can simply just exist.  Read a book.  Clean without it all being undone in the next room.  It all sounds amazing to me.  

I love my kids, I am not saying I don't want them around.  But, one weekend off a month.  It sounds like a spa day.  I love my kids, but they are exhausting (physically and emotionally). After the loss of my spouse, I went back to teaching.  I always thought teaching would be the perfect profession for mothers.  Summers off and holidays, and all that good stuff.  And I am thankful for those things because, yes, they do provide me time with my children.  But, the time on, as a teacher, is ON.  I work a full day, with no breaks.  Once my first class arrives my day is a whir of paint and clay, and tattling, and approximately 150 creations to be stored, and managed, and graded.  And then I have a duty, and then my day is technically done, except that it isn't.  There are meetings to attend, lessons to plan, papers to grade, rubrics to create, and paperwork, and emails, and and and, and it gets to me.  It makes me sad.  I am all they have.  When I am stuck up in my bedroom typing away on the computer, researching Hopi Indians for a collaborative lesson with 4th grade they are making their own breakfast of taquitos and coke, well, this is not the home life I envisioned.  I often feel like I am selling them short to be successful at my place of work.  Juggling it all is not easy, or ideal.

We all say family first.  I heard it at my daughter's open house over and over.  I think all of her teachers said, "I am a teacher, but I am a wife and mother first".  How do they manage it?   How do they find the hours to help with homework, and connect, and listen, and be interested, and still research lessons, make handouts, type up thorough and detailed lesson plans, sort through Prezi's and youtube videos to find the perfect one to go with their lesson.  How?  And let's be real.  I teach art.  ART.  I don't have half of what the classroom teachers have to deal with…… testing for reading levels, daily homework, running records, and benchmark tests updated to the county every time you turn around, along with behavior plans to encourage even the most difficult of children to fall in line, and on and on and on.  And yet, I never have enough time.  I scurry and hurry and I am always behind.  It is disheartening.

I have help.  Not all women in my shoes have help.  I have friends who offer rides and babysitting when they can see the dark circles are a shade darker than usual.  I have a boyfriend who is wonderful and helpful with errands, and children, and my life in general, and he cooks!  Truth be told, I love to cook, but in the never-ending list of things to do, making a nice meal is very low on my list of priorities.  I am lucky.  I have a village that rallies around me.  If it were not for them, I don't know.  It's not a pretty picture. I am thankful for each ride, and each hour my child spends at a friend's that allows me to get caught up; be it on sleep, or work, or time with a friend.

Am I enough?  Can I be enough?  I don't know.  Most of the time it feels like the answer is a resounding no.  I am insufficient.  Lacking.  Short fused or asleep, or just so tired I could cry.   But I am enough, though I am imperfect.  I have to be enough.  And, after 2 and a half years, the new normal is normal enough to them that it is what they know, and they believe  I am enough.  Tonight my son told me, "God gave me a good mom for a reason", and I thought in my head because I am capable and I can be enough.