Christmas in the Present

I've been thinking.  Maybe it is my age.  Or the fact that for the past 2 or 3 days I have had the time to slow down.  Whatever the reason, I have found my self taking a little trip down Memory Lane.  For those of you who have lost someone, that is a road that can be sad, bumpy, and difficult.  But for me, this time anyway, it has been okay.  Quite good, even.  My kids seem to have joined me, and are doing well too.  As a friend said to me yesterday, maybe it means there has been more healing in my heart.  I don't know the reason, I just know I feel happy, and like a fog has lifted, and I will take it!

I don't know how Christmas looks at your house.  As I have aged, I have learned it looks vastly different in different homes.  Some people wrap Santa gifts, some don't, some don't even do Santa.  In my house, the bigger the tree the better.   When I was a girl, Santa brought my tree (my poor parents!!!).  My mom also baked a TON of cookies!  Sometimes we ordered marzipan from "The German Store" in New York.  All of it was MAGIC.  It was warm, and happy, steeped in traditions, and rituals that made is exciting and special.  When I think of those Christmases, I think of my grandparents being there, and my Aunt Betty, and gifts and toys, and playing with my new things joyfully all afternoon.  I remember sleepovers by the tree, and egg nog, trying not to make the candy jar clink while I was sneaking out a Hershey kiss.  The Christmases of my childhood.  They were idyllic.

I grew a little, and life happened, as it does to us all.  I remember the first Christmas after my precious Grandmother had passed away, I was 20 by then.  Around Christmastime, my grandpa had found Christmas gifts she had purchased for my mom and my aunt before she died.  I wrapped them for him, and Christmas morning, I passed them out.  There were 10 of us in that room, but it was silent.  We all cried, and it was sad, and yet beautiful, and special.  I will never forget it.  Although sad, it was a true family moment.  

Time marched on, and there were the happy Christmases of my early adulthood.  Just my parents and my sister, and my grandpa and Aunt Betty.  They were wonderful, filled with love and happiness, but didn't linger like those childhood Christmases did.

Eventually I married and, my husband and I had a family.  I worked hard to create the same traditions and Christmas magic with them, that my parents did for me.  I baked and decorated cookies with the kids, we caroled with neighbors, wrapped their gifts in "Santa paper", and tried to wrap my home in Christmas magic.  There were years we had the flu, or were sick , but the kids were usually none with wiser.  And, I like to think Christmas was like magic at my kids house too.  

Then came 2012. Michael died in March, and my dad died 3 days after Christmas.  

Christmas after loss just isn't the same.  Except, sometimes it has to be.  For me, there were kids, and Santa,  and elf to move around, and family traditions and rituals (that I had created!).  For me those traditions became sad and burdensome, but my kids deserved, and wanted Christmas as they always knew it to be.  And from day one,  I promised myself this loss won't ruin their childhood.    I really wanted to just skip it and go on a cruise.  But, with the help of my mom, and Amazon Prime.....I have managed Christmas the past four years.  I have largely been going through the motions.  And, in doing that, there were surely moments of love and joy, but looking back, the whole thing is a bit of a blur.  I hope not for my kiddos.

This is our 5th Christmas without Michael.  And, for the first time since 2012, I am excited.  The kids are full of anticipation.  We have baked, and decorated (with all the ornaments, even the ones that have been too hard to look at some years).  Christmas morning it will just be the 3 of us, and I think it will be perfect and warm.  My heart feels like it could burst.  It is full of happy memories of egg nog, and marzipan, sneaking candies, and the memories and love of those I held so dear.  It is also filled with the love and blessing of my present day life, and these two silly, sometimes annoying, but totally loveable kids that I try so hard for everyday.  Isn't it amazing how there is room for it all.  

Love to all!  Merry Christmas!