"I Don't Know How You Do It"

"I don't know how you do it".  I keep getting this lately.  The truth of it is, neither do I.  I just do it because I have to, because it needs to be done, and there is no one else to do it.  I work full time at a school that is difficult.  I leave work feeling angry and frustrated far more often than anything else.  I work out a lot, because it does something good of my brain, and helps manage the feelings of grumpiness, and despair I feel at work.  I have also decided that it is good for my kids, because they are already getting a tired and less patient version of me than they deserve (and it sets a good example).  My kids are active (my friend says they are "joiners") and busy. While I am happy they are successful at the sports and activities they love, it is EXHAUSTING (and expensive).  Add to the list, that I run a home based business, which brings me GREAT JOY, and, I am dating.

As a result of all these AWESOME and AMAZING things in my life.....2 great kids, sports practices and games, theater rehearsals, a job that pays the bills, a job that I love, a boyfriend who loves me, and some endorphins from the gym...I am one busy lady.  It is not unusual for me to leave work and not be home for more than 15 minutes until 9:30 or so.  I don't watch TV.  Or read anymore.  I quit all my phone games, because they started to feel like pressure.

People think I am strong, but mostly I am stressed and tired.  There aren't enough hours in the day, and I am lucky to sleep for six of them.  I know in a few years these kids will be gone and I will be sitting here with my old dog, in my clean house, and I will miss the chaos.  I can't wrap my head around that really, but everyone who tells me this is probably right.

For now it is hard.  Everyday.  And I have help!  I have a boyfriend who helps me with the orthodontist, picking up sick kids at school (which is an altogether too common problem), and does some of the cooking.   Our lacrosse community is exceedingly supportive, and I never have a shortage of help with rides, or even taking my son to tournaments.  I know I am blessed.

And yet, I'm sad, and mad, and angry, and tired.  I have learned that we don't just grieve a person.  We grieve lots of things.  Sometimes I just miss.  I miss him as my spouse, or his sense of humor, or the way he did certain things.  Sometimes I miss him as a co-parent, or father (it would be so nice to get to be the good cop again sometimes).  As time moves forward, I find myself often missing being a part of a nuclear family.  I miss the life we made, and were living.  I miss the predictable "gender roles" that we each carried out, mostly happily.  It is a vastly different life from the life I lead now.  And I miss it.  Sometimes it makes me angry.  At the end of the day, missing him, angry, mad, or sad, there is just a lot more stuff to do.

I recently had a friend say that she felt like on Monday morning she was shot from a cannon and she didn't land until Friday afternoon.  What a perfect description of how I feel every week!  I plan and agonize over rides and details.  I make lists, I organize.  I have to.  I have calendars on my desk, pantry, phone and planner, because there is a lot for one lady with 2 kids and some serious A.D.D.  to keep straight and pray I can get it all done.  And somehow, most of the time I do.  Not like I used to, with the uniforms washed and folded and ready to go the night before.  More of like -- "it's in the dryer or the blue laundry basket, HURRY we are late kind of way".  It's not perfect.  It's not how I want it to be, but it works.  And, that is how I do it.  Imperfectly.  Often frantically.  Sometimes with tears, or swearing.  But always with love, and every ounce of energy I can find.