Anticipation


Anticipation.

It is often better than a surprise.  Anticipating something special makes the mundane more tolerable. It makes the heart feel full and happy.  Last week, all week long I was anticipating the weekend ahead.  I had the usual schedule of volleyball and lacrosse, but along with that was my son's first performance in a musical!!  The anticipation for that was immense!  It was ever present!  It was with me when I was driving, teaching, or falling asleep.  "Only two more days until the musical", I would tell myself while I ate lunch.  Then my body would fill up with a little burst of excitement.  By Friday afternoon, I texted my boyfriend, "I am so excited, I think I might burst!".  I didn't know what to expect.  I was nervous and excited.

This week, I live through a different kind of anticipation altogether.   The anticipation of March 17th. Those of you who knew me then will remember hearing the news; at parties, out on the town, enjoying a green beer with some friends.  For those of you who don't, March 17, 2017 will mark the 5 year anniversary of my husband's death.  Needless to say, St. Patrick's Day isn't my favorite holiday. We no longer make shamrock shakes, and I have quit baking Irish Soda bread in favor of just getting through.


As much as I would like to live that day like any other, it just isn't.  And the days leading up to it up to it are filled with certain sense of gloom.  Even if I am not thinking about, I notice I am a little more tender, a little more tired, a little more emotional than usual.  It's like a sense of anticipation if you will.  It is like being followed around by your own personal dark cloud.  So far, as it approaches every year, I cannot help but remember when my life was "normal"....and how 1, 2,3,4, years ago at this time I had no idea what was coming.  The day of, I relive it.......and early lacrosse game, making the kids lunch, going for a run, baking Irish soda bread and cleaning while my husband went outside to move the lawn.....never to return.  I don't think I can ever think of it as just another day.  It's different every year, but it's still a day I dread.

 This year having the musical to anticipate sure helped.  But, my brain still knew, and as the weekend ended, and a new day dawned, it was back.  Now only 3 days stand between me and "that day".  I will go to work, the kids will go to school.  We will manage.  We will pray and take deep breaths, go to the cemetery, and just get though it.  And then the anticipation will be gone, until next year.

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