20 Years

Twenty years ago today I got married.

I only got to have 13 anniversaries. 

As a widow, anniversaries 14-19 were fine.  I went to dinner with friends, or did nothing at all and it seemed okay.  Just a day.  Yet, this year the date was looming large and occupying too many of my thoughts.  I was filled with dread.  It was a milestone, and maybe causing me to think about my age and the passage of time.  I have been feeling "some kind of way".  Really, just a lot of different ways.

• 20 years?  How has it been 20 years? 
• How is this my 7th solo anniversary? 
• How am I not still in my 20's (very self absorbed, but I challenge anyone "my age" to not give this one an amen). Wrinkles?  Reading glasses?  Is this for real?
• I've been reflecting on the many people that were at our wedding that are not here anymore.  They include: my husband, my father, grandfather, grandmother, friend's parents, my parent's friends, and the list goes on. There is one page in my wedding album where the only people still alive are my mother and me.  And yet, twenty years is a long time.  I just feels short. 
• Cheated.  Sometimes I feel this way.  I used to feel this way a lot.  So perhaps progress has been made in this area.  But, I will never see 50 years of wedded bliss...or probably even 20.  It's not fair.  But life isn't fair. 
• Not jealous.  I think my friends worry about this sometimes.  But in all truth, when I like your Facebook wedding anniversary post, I am probably MORE happy for you than anyone else.  Still happy, still married, still like and love each other - I think it is awesome.  Don't take it for granted.  I am genuinely happy for you from the very bottom of my heart.  
• Lucky.  I hate to ever say I feel lucky, as clearly I have been so unlucky in some very major ways.......but I have great kids who love me, and great friends, and live in a wonderful community.  So many widows say that a year afterwards, the mindfulness ends.  The friends go away and things go back to normal for everyone else.  Not me.  People are so mindful, and kind. and aware....of my heart, my life, my schedule, my finances.  In these ways I am extremely lucky.

So after weeks of dread, that led to my attempts to plan a last minute tropical vacation which proved to be too expensive and just impossible (and didn't work with orthodontist visits, and volleyball practices).  Then, trying to plan a one day get away to have some fun with my kiddos and escape my overthinking.....only to be thwarted by Whitewater's "Bring a Friend Day".  I got up today feeling  oddly grateful.  I am thankful for the choice I made 20 years ago today.  Thankful for our kids.  They are the greatest gift.  And in all truth, though hard at times, our life that is truly amazing and wonderful.  Thankful for friends who were able to meet for a margarita lunch so I wasn't alone all day.  Grateful that despite great loss, life is still worth the living and I find myself grateful.