A Testimony



The days following Michael's death are largely a blur.  I have had friends recount bits and pieces to me.  And besides telling my children that their father was never coming home again, and the moment that my mom walked into my house, I really can't say that I remember a whole lot besides the overwhelming kindness and generosity of people. In the days that followed what I can remember is walking around outside muttering prayers, but mostly saying, "Why?".  Why did this have to happen.  Why, why, why.  And, I know many of you will think I am a complete and utter crazy person when I share this, but, I really feel I was given an answer.  I can remember quite clearly being outside in my driveway, near where Michael fell and hearing quite discernably, "This will be a testimony".  And I remember saying, well then we need to rethink this, because my husband does not need to die for there to be a testimony (as if at that point in time it could have been reversed).  And the next day I asked again...why, and again I heard as clear as I hear hear my children calling "mom" from the next room, "this will be a testimony".  After a few days of this, I stopped asking and made a decision.  This will be a testimony.


I am unsure how this is going to unfold.  I sometimes have day dreams of myself standing before a crowd, reading from a well prepared and planned script.  And if that comes to fruition, so be it.  But I think for now, I am just going to be honest, and open (and possibly overshare a little on facebook from time to time).  I am going to share my highs, my lows, and praise my God through it all.  And maybe that is the testimony.  Maybe that will be my testimony.


This I know, God did not allow my family to be ripped apart and then abandon me.  God did not allow me to become a widow, and my children to grow up without the love and guidance of a caring father for no reason.  I don't know the reason.  I might never know.  And that is okay with me.  I don't have to know.  I have faith.  And, most of the time I have peace.  A peace that mystefies my mind.  A peace that sweeps over me and fills me.  I KNOW we are going to be okay.  I KNOW IT.  I don't doubt it ever.  Not even for a second. The road may be rocky, but I am not afraid. And maybe that is my testimony.   


Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 15, 2012 at 1:18 PM

    Wow.... That is a fabulous outlook and remarkable faith. Never look back!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Georgia KentsJuly 15, 2012 at 4:17 PM

    He did not leave you alone (God or Michael). Our prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Treat a Widow

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” -Albert Camus This I know to be true......there is not a wrong way or a right way to grieve.  There is also not a wrong way or a right way to treat someone who is grieving.  But, given my recent firsthand knowledge on the topic, I will say, there are things I would recommend and suggest, just in case you are interested should you find yourself dealing with someone going through what I am going through.  Frankly, if you know me and you are reading this, I hope you never know another woman under 80 who loses her husband to anything but old age, but being that I myself now have 8 (yes 8!) widow friends, and I am the OLDEST of all of them, I don't think that is likely.  So, for what it is worth.  Here is what I think: 1.  Treat me as normally as possible.  If you treat me normally, I will be much happier and I will be able to be mys
Read more

Gratitude

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." Albert Schweitzer Thank you.  It is one of the first phrases I taught my children. It is commonly said many times a day: thank you to the lady who hands me my coffee in the drive thru, thank you to the boy who brings my groceries to my car, and thank you to my friend who took my kids to the pool. Sometimes, however, thank you seems inadequate. It seems too small, too common, and not filled with enough emotion, or appreciation. Or maybe that is just me being sappy.  But I really don't think so, because sometimes people do BIG things. And sometimes they do small things that are spectacular. Recently, I've had some of these big and small things happen to me. Ordinary people have reached out and touched my life (and the lives of my children). The gratitude I feel is so enormous that it
Read more

A Letter to My Children's Teachers

Image
To the teachers and staff of Still Elementary, who have loved my family so well: I want to thank you.  I really want to more than thank you.  I want to hold a banquet in your honor.   I want to do something spectacular.  But, all I have for you are these words, a hug, and some flowers from my son tomorrow as he walks the halls of Still…..one last time. We started our journey at Still Elementary in 2008, when my daughter began 1st grade.  Sadly, it will end tomorrow when my son finishes 5th grade.  The past 7 years of teaching, learning, creating, and growing are something to celebrate indeed.  The investment of your time and talents into the hearts and minds of my children is definitely praiseworthy.  But, for me and my family, you have done so much more.  You have loved us and held us through some hard days.  You have cared for us far beyond the duty of any educator.  You have prayed for us in our darkest hours, and during the days that followed.  You have been steadfast
Read more