"I AM SO STUPID"
My daughter is calling herself STUPID with increasing frequency these days. It is worrisome, frustrating, and making me down right crazy. How does happen to a well liked, well loved, beautiful 9 year old child? Why is she SO hard on herself? Is it genetics?? Personality?? Am I a bad mother?? And most importantly, HOW do I make her stop?
Every time she would say it, I started by saying...."you are not stupid". To which she would reply...."YES I AM" and then proceed with a laundry list of faults and failures; such as, not knowing where the measuring cup was supposed to go, or leaving a wet towel on the floor, or coming down with a case of strep. Then there are the homework battles. She has ADD, and so, even with her meds (or if her mom forgets to give her the meds), she zones out, forgets and then feels, well, stupid.
I want her to understand it is okay to make mistakes, and to admit to them. So, the other day we were in Target, and we each picked out a bottle of flavored seltzer. She had been begging for a water, so I said, I will just open yours now and pay for it later. And then......fizzzzzzzzz, up come the bubbles and even though I had left the cap partially still on there, water went everywhere. Much to my surprise, my child says to me -- "hurry up mom, put the lid on it and put it back on the shelf." (SERIOUSLY?? was what I was thinking) I said, no, I am going to buy this, and I have to go find someone to tell them when I did. Her eyes got VERY big. "Are you going to get in trouble?", she asked. No, I told her, and we talked about why this was the right thing to do. Lucky for me the young man that I told about my spill in the water aisle thanked me profusely for letting him know, and said "no trouble, I will go and clean in up right now". I really think this experience made a HUGE impression on my fear of failure little girl. She talked all about it all the way home.
So last night, again, after something so trivial I cannot ever remember what is was, she said it again-- "I AM SO STUPID", in a tone of such self loathing it almost made me cry. I went over to her, and got close to her face. I narrowed my eyes into my best serious mommy face. And I said....."Do not EVER say that again in this house. Do you know why?". Shocked and sheepish, she said no. I said, "Because you are MY daughter, and my daughter is intellingent, and amazing, and beautiful, and AWESOME." She just stood there staring at me taking it in. Then I said....do you know what I think of myself Sarah? No, she again replied. "I think I am an intelligent, amazing, beautiful, and awesome woman who makes a lot of mistakes .......... and that is okay." IT IS? She said incredulously. Yes, Sarah, it is. It was then that she let a few tears flow, and came in for a big hug.
May she finally got it. Probably not. The one thing I know is that I have to stop the negative self talk. If she keeps telling herself she is stupid, one day she is going to BELIEVE that she is. And I won't let that happen.
Every time she would say it, I started by saying...."you are not stupid". To which she would reply...."YES I AM" and then proceed with a laundry list of faults and failures; such as, not knowing where the measuring cup was supposed to go, or leaving a wet towel on the floor, or coming down with a case of strep. Then there are the homework battles. She has ADD, and so, even with her meds (or if her mom forgets to give her the meds), she zones out, forgets and then feels, well, stupid.
I want her to understand it is okay to make mistakes, and to admit to them. So, the other day we were in Target, and we each picked out a bottle of flavored seltzer. She had been begging for a water, so I said, I will just open yours now and pay for it later. And then......fizzzzzzzzz, up come the bubbles and even though I had left the cap partially still on there, water went everywhere. Much to my surprise, my child says to me -- "hurry up mom, put the lid on it and put it back on the shelf." (SERIOUSLY?? was what I was thinking) I said, no, I am going to buy this, and I have to go find someone to tell them when I did. Her eyes got VERY big. "Are you going to get in trouble?", she asked. No, I told her, and we talked about why this was the right thing to do. Lucky for me the young man that I told about my spill in the water aisle thanked me profusely for letting him know, and said "no trouble, I will go and clean in up right now". I really think this experience made a HUGE impression on my fear of failure little girl. She talked all about it all the way home.
So last night, again, after something so trivial I cannot ever remember what is was, she said it again-- "I AM SO STUPID", in a tone of such self loathing it almost made me cry. I went over to her, and got close to her face. I narrowed my eyes into my best serious mommy face. And I said....."Do not EVER say that again in this house. Do you know why?". Shocked and sheepish, she said no. I said, "Because you are MY daughter, and my daughter is intellingent, and amazing, and beautiful, and AWESOME." She just stood there staring at me taking it in. Then I said....do you know what I think of myself Sarah? No, she again replied. "I think I am an intelligent, amazing, beautiful, and awesome woman who makes a lot of mistakes ..........
May she finally got it. Probably not. The one thing I know is that I have to stop the negative self talk. If she keeps telling herself she is stupid, one day she is going to BELIEVE that she is. And I won't let that happen.
PostScript 10/23/11: I didn't publish this blog, because I was upset about it all and didn't really want to share it with the world. But I am happy to report, since the date that I wrote it, my daughter has not once (in my presence anyway) called herself stupid. When I tuck her in, and when I think she looks like she needs it I remind her that she is intelligent, amazing, beautiful, and awesome and sometimes she reminds me. Her smile when I do says it all. Best of all, I think she is starting to believe it.
Comments
Post a Comment