A Widow
Found this today (7/9/2013)..never published it.....so here it is.
How to start this post is really beyond me other than to say I am a widow. It has been over a month now and it still seems crazy to me even yet. I am too young to be a widow. Aren't widows little old ladies? I don't want to be a widow. I certainly had no plans of single parenting my children. But, here I am.
I could write you all of the details of the worst day of my life, but I would like to spare myself the pain, and you the agony of reading it. Let's just say, it was terrible. HORRIBLE and truly, I hope that not one of you ever has to live though anything like it. So many aspects were so awful and frightening: finding him unresponsive, doing CPR, riding to the hospital and being passed by the ambulance containing my husband, sitting in the "family waiting room"....thinking why can't we go see him, and not wanting to admit the answer. Having a Dr. come in grave faced....feeling like I was in a bad version of ER. Having to tell my children that their father was not coming home again, ever. I know I was in shock, for at least the first 24 hrs. Sick, and in shock. I am forever grateful for the friends who came and surrounded for me, cared for me, and loved me through those first hours.
From there, it seemed there were things to be done almost instantly. Where to bury him, what will he wear, how many copies of the death certificate I want (how should I know), trying to pick a casket..... It was beyond daunting. I was not prepared for this, having never planned a funeral before. It was like an out of body experience.
YET, and this is a big yet....and why I am capitalizing it and making it in bold. Yet, in this misery, there has been JOY and ABUNDANT BLESSINGS. There has been EXTRAVAGANT GENEROSITY (which oddly enough is a book our church just studied). People tell me that it is amazing that I can see blessings already. I say the blessings are SO APPARENT that I could not miss them. People have been amazing, and continue to blow my mind with their wise words, thoughtful deeds, and just how they know what we need when we need it when half the time we don't even know ourselves. That part of this has been mind-bending.
I have peace. I do. Not every second of every day, but in the majority of my daily life there is a peace that passes understanding. A peace that I discovered when Michael was unemployed and I gave it all to Him. I will confess those thoughts of the next 6 months, finding a job, and getting all this stuff done......if I think about it too long, it makes me worry. So I just pray about it and let it be. I cannot control it, I can only live it. And, I can only hope that the road we are on leads me right where He wants us to be.
We are starting a journey on a new path.....a rocky, twisty road called The New Normal. What that will be remains a mystery. So far it goes something like this.... sunny meadows with hidden potholes that send you into a tailspin. The thing is you never know when the potholes are coming. For instance, you might be going along great and do something as simple as go to buy a birthday card, and end up sobbing right there in the Hallmark Store. I suppose in time the potholes will be spread further and further out and the sunny meadows will stretch for longer expanses. But change is hard, especially when it was not change you were seeking. Uncertainty is really really really hard. I like to know. I like to plan. And simply put, we miss him.
People tell me I am strong. I am not strong. I read a quote today, "Inside me is a weak heart, and behind it is a strong God.". I am being held. And He who is holding me gives me strength.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
How to start this post is really beyond me other than to say I am a widow. It has been over a month now and it still seems crazy to me even yet. I am too young to be a widow. Aren't widows little old ladies? I don't want to be a widow. I certainly had no plans of single parenting my children. But, here I am.
I could write you all of the details of the worst day of my life, but I would like to spare myself the pain, and you the agony of reading it. Let's just say, it was terrible. HORRIBLE and truly, I hope that not one of you ever has to live though anything like it. So many aspects were so awful and frightening: finding him unresponsive, doing CPR, riding to the hospital and being passed by the ambulance containing my husband, sitting in the "family waiting room"....thinking why can't we go see him, and not wanting to admit the answer. Having a Dr. come in grave faced....feeling like I was in a bad version of ER. Having to tell my children that their father was not coming home again, ever. I know I was in shock, for at least the first 24 hrs. Sick, and in shock. I am forever grateful for the friends who came and surrounded for me, cared for me, and loved me through those first hours.
From there, it seemed there were things to be done almost instantly. Where to bury him, what will he wear, how many copies of the death certificate I want (how should I know), trying to pick a casket..... It was beyond daunting. I was not prepared for this, having never planned a funeral before. It was like an out of body experience.
YET, and this is a big yet....and why I am capitalizing it and making it in bold. Yet, in this misery, there has been JOY and ABUNDANT BLESSINGS. There has been EXTRAVAGANT GENEROSITY (which oddly enough is a book our church just studied). People tell me that it is amazing that I can see blessings already. I say the blessings are SO APPARENT that I could not miss them. People have been amazing, and continue to blow my mind with their wise words, thoughtful deeds, and just how they know what we need when we need it when half the time we don't even know ourselves. That part of this has been mind-bending.
I have peace. I do. Not every second of every day, but in the majority of my daily life there is a peace that passes understanding. A peace that I discovered when Michael was unemployed and I gave it all to Him. I will confess those thoughts of the next 6 months, finding a job, and getting all this stuff done......if I think about it too long, it makes me worry. So I just pray about it and let it be. I cannot control it, I can only live it. And, I can only hope that the road we are on leads me right where He wants us to be.
We are starting a journey on a new path.....a rocky, twisty road called The New Normal. What that will be remains a mystery. So far it goes something like this.... sunny meadows with hidden potholes that send you into a tailspin. The thing is you never know when the potholes are coming. For instance, you might be going along great and do something as simple as go to buy a birthday card, and end up sobbing right there in the Hallmark Store. I suppose in time the potholes will be spread further and further out and the sunny meadows will stretch for longer expanses. But change is hard, especially when it was not change you were seeking. Uncertainty is really really really hard. I like to know. I like to plan. And simply put, we miss him.
People tell me I am strong. I am not strong. I read a quote today, "Inside me is a weak heart, and behind it is a strong God.". I am being held. And He who is holding me gives me strength.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
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