Victories

I have learned a lot of things in the last 20 months.  One thing is that I am hard on myself.  I saw a counselor for a while and she often told me, "Beth, be easy with yourself".  Apparently, this is not something that comes easily to me.  I hold myself to a high standard.  Always.  I demand a lot from myself, and I don't accept a lot of excuses.  It is why I am who I am.  But, it's not easy being me.  Sometimes I think I would like to do things halfway, or "just get by", but I can't.  I just can't.  I can't quite even imagine what that would look like, especially with regards to my work, or my kids.

And while I sometimes feel like a broken mess, I have to admit, there are still a lot of wonderful things about my life.  My kids are doing well.  They are mostly happy.  They have sad times, and probably always will.  But, they are growing and thriving.  They aren't depressed or failing out of school. They do dumb things sometimes, but they aren't making terrible life choices.  Somehow this doesn't seem like a victory to me, but I think, in reality, it is.  They are good kids.  They have big loving hearts.  I would take all the pain and sadness from them if I could, and yet I know it is shaping them into beautiful, empathetic, caring adults.  And they are good.  They are okay.  And that is what matters in my world,  more than anything else.

We have a great house.  Just the fact that I didn't have to take my children from the home they shared with their father is a victory.  Especially when considering my circumstances.  The house seems too big sometimes (most of the time).  It definitely seems like too much upkeep and yard work and cleaning, but, it is familiar, and it is ours.  I think that is important for my children.  This house, overgrown yard, bushes in need of trimming, and leaves in need of raking.....it is a victory too.  I just have to be reminded to see it that way sometimes. 

My job.  It's hard.  It's really really really hard.  We never really planned for me to go back to teaching.  That makes it double hard sometimes.  Or maybe it just makes me bitter, or pity myself.  Then, I just get mad at myself for wallowing in self-pity.  Anyway, my job.  It's hard, it's often frustrating, sometimes rewarding, but more often frustrating.  My classes are big.  It can be disheartening.  It can be heartbreaking.  Sometimes I feel like I have enough heartbreaking and hard stuff in my own life, and that this job is just too much for me.  And then, when I have perspective, I realize, like my too-big house, and too much work yard, it is mine.  It is mine for a reason.  That is kind of hard to admit.  Maybe I belong there.  I don't know the answer to that yet.  What I do know, is that I was able to get a job at all, let alone as quickly as I did, that too.....a victory.

I am dating a wonderful man.  He loves me.  He listens to me.  He makes me laugh, a lot.  He likes art museums.   He meets me where I am, and has calmly reminds me of this entire list every time I need it.  He challenges me.  He cooks most of my meals and then packs me a lunch for work.  He invests himself in my children.  He helps with their homework and so much more.  I dare to say, I consider myself lucky that he is a part of our lives.  He has been with me through it all, and I cannot imagine how I would have navigated it all without him as my friend and crying shoulder.  

This isn't the life I planned. It isn't easy.  It isn't uncomplicated. It isn't the life I was living.  Do I miss Michael?  Most definitely.  Do I miss my little quiet family?  Yes, I do.  Do I miss working part-time, keeping my home and meals organized, being more available to my kids, volunteering at their school, and meeting friends for coffee on a weekly basis? You bet I do. Sometimes I miss it terribly. When I lost Michael, I not only lost my spouse, I lost a lifestyle.  A lifestyle that we wanted for ourselves and for our children.  And sometimes, it makes me angry.  Really angry.  Why us?  What did we do to deserve this?  Why did our lives have to change?  The why...or the how it doesn't really matter....I have to let that go.  It's gonna take some time, and work.....and I'm not there yet. It's a hard lesson to learn, but life isn't fair.  And sometimes it seems really, really, really unfair.....but you still have to keep going.

I try to focus on what is good and what is positive; the victories.  I try.  And yet, sometimes I just feel broken.  I feel like I am a mess.  I feel like I can't keep up.  I can't keep up with the homework, the practices, the uniforms and sports gear, the yard work, the housework, the laundry, the dishes, the papers I need to grade and lessons I need to plan.  I just feel like it is all too hard and too much.  I feel like I am going to break or drown from the weight of it all.  I feel like I want to just quit or that I can't do it all or be it all, and really, I don't want to.  Maybe it doesn't require losing a spouse to feel that way from time to time.  

What I know is that I am not......not broken. Sometimes I am tired.  Exhausted even.  Weary.  Worn out.  Sometimes I feel depressed, defeated, and angry.  But we are okay. I am okay.  They are okay. We are doing well.  We are thriving and living and smiling most days.  We see the beauty in our daily life, we appreciate small kindnesses, and we are loved.  We miss him.  We will never be what we were, but we are okay.  And we are only getting better.  We are strong and resilient, and we are sometimes a little pitiful, but we are not broken.