Pat on the Back

I did a lot of thinking this morning on the way in to work today.  It's amazing how a 20 minute drive can be filled with such a flurry of thoughts, or some mindless morning talk radio.  Today is my last day of work for this school year.  It's two years now that I have worked here.  Two years since a fragile, new widow walked through the door of this place.  I remember walking in, tears stinging my eyes, thinking these people will never know me as "Michael's wife".  It was profound to me; meeting 60 people at once, and so soon after, who only knew me as a widow.  It has been two years that I have known these co-workers, many of whom I now call friend.  Two years.  I think the woman who walked through those doors is in many ways the same woman I have always been and yet simultaneously a completely different person.

Looking back, I think I was just functioning in those early days.  Putting one foot in front of the other, as people tell you to do.  I was taking a lot of deep breaths, and just "getting through".  I am not sure how mentally present I really was.  I think I thought I was doing great, and for being only 4 months from life altering changes like I had experienced, I guess I was doing great.  But, now I see "doing great" as a very relative term.

In July of 2012, when I walked into that school, I was "doing great".  Maybe I should clarify, I was doing great for a woman who had just lost her husband 4 months beforehand, was grieving a man, a father,  a family, and a life.  Some people had the audacity to criticize me for my job, my life, and my decisions.  But, as I saw it, and I still see it, I was doing what I had to do for my kids.  And, now, looking back at it with a clearer head, I think it is quite something that I was able to get myself together, interview for, and secure a job, and wages (albeit teachers wages) to support my family…..the 2014 me cannot help but think, dang, I was amazing!  Life knocked me down, but it wasn't taking me out, and it surely wasn't going to harm my babies any more than it already had.  It doesn't mean that I wasn't grieving or that it was easy.  It was just what had to be done, and so I did it.  Go me!  I don't think I saw it that way at the time.  I was just trudging down the unseen and unknown path before me, slightly scared.  

Looking back, I am so proud of myself.  In July 2012 when I started working again, I was so much more fragile.  My footing was unsure.  My mind unsettled and my emotions raw.   The "new normal" was completely abnormal.   And I fought it a lot.  (Which is quite useless and a waste of perfectly good tears and emotions.).  But, perhaps it is also part of the process.  My process anyway.  In the blink of an eye, I went from being a married, mostly stay at home mom, workout fanatic, who was living a quiet little regular suburban life, to being a single mom, working full time, and running a household by myself, and eventually dating.  Sometimes, even yet, I sit back and I think this sounds like someone else's life.  It sounds like one of those stories you hear that seems like your worst nightmare, and never happens to anyone you actually know, let alone to YOU.

So, on my way to work, I have to say, I was giving myself a personal pat on the back.  A little, you go girl, which, truthfully, being hard on myself and all, is not something I often do.  But, driving into work, that's kind of what I was thinking.  Go me.  I got this.  It isn't always pretty, but, I've got this.  And two years later, I think that is a good place for me to be.