Unlucky?

I work hard to be a positive person. I consciously look for the good in everyday, even if it something as small as a drawing from a student, or having leftovers and not having to cook that night (can I get an Amen!).  I am all about choosing joy and having an attitude of gratitude.  I have been know to keep a gratitude journal when things are tough because I don't ever want to forget that I am blessed.

But sometimes......sometimes I just can't.  Sometimes it all just seems of unfair, and unjust.  I work hard.  I try hard.  I am nice.  I care about people.  I give my all.  

And yet, my life is just not fair. 

Being a good person doesn't mean you get an easy life.  Or a nice life.  Living through life altering change doesn't mean that things will go smoothly from here on out.  But for me, it means when things I don't ask for happen to me I don't take it well.  I really don't like when things beyond my control negatively impact my life.  I mean, who does.  Repeated unasked for negative changes have left me feeling defeated.

A little back story for any new readers.....I lost my spouse unexpectedly in 2012.  I had a conversation with God in the following months, and said if this had to happen I really need my parents for at least 10 more years.  Both of them.  For me, for my kids, for stability while I made a new life.  And nine months later my father died unexpectedly.  I was so defeated.  I also needed a job because I was a stay at home mom.  I got a job, and at the time it seemed like a miracle.  Over time, however, the stress of that particular place, and the student behavior, and the administration was too much.  It started causing health problems for me, and negatively impacting my family life.  This past year I broke free from that and have been very happy in a new position.  I have started feeling like myself again.

Fast forward to now.  

My bubble has been burst.  My life which was feeling happy, and more normal that it had since 2012, has been disrupted.  Two hours before spring break was about to begin, I was reassigned.  No one asked me.  I had no warning.  A new school, very similar to the school I fought so hard to leave.  I don't want to move schools.  I didn't ask for a longer commute without my approval.   I don't want to work in that type of environment again.  I don't see how I can.  It was bad for me, my health and my family.

So again I have to refocus.  I have to think.  I have to plan.  The job search is on.  And maybe it will be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Maybe there is a career opportunity out that that will be better than I can even imagine.  Maybe, just maybe, I will find a job that will help my family to be more financially secure.  Or maybe I will be stuck.  And that scares me.

So for now I cry.  And fret and feel a bit like I am unlucky and attract misfortune.  But I also work towards finding a situation that meets my needs.  A job that pays the bills, and maybe even that I enjoy, but most important one that doesn't strip me of my health, or ability to be the mother my children still need. There has to be a light at the end of this tunnel. I just don't know what it is yet.