Angelversaries
I don't like calling death anniversaries "angelversaries", but lots of people do. Whatever you call it, this Sunday will be 7 years for us. It's unfathomable really. 7 years. And just last week I was thinking I needed to tell him something. Yes. Crazy, I know. It only happens when I am super tired and get lost in my head. It's like I forget somewhere on some level inside my brain. It's not uncommon. A friend's mom has been widowed since I was in college, and she says it still happens to her.
Grief is different for everyone and from what I can tell it is different every year. Despite my best efforts, I have not mastered it by any measure. One of the hardest things for me is not knowing what my kids need. I want to be there if they need me. I don't want to smother them if they don't. I don't want to make them think they should feel any kind of way. It's a fine line. I just wish it could go by like any other day and we could just roll into the next year.
I don't really believe in the stages of grief. At least not in the order they are presented in grief books. Year 1 and 2 were hard, year 5 was terrible, this year has been okay and I don't even remember last year. The first year, we had a cookout at a friends in order to keep busy. Other years we have alternated between ignoring, and remembering; releasing balloons with messages (surprisingly cathartic), having pizza with friends, eating at his favorite restaurant, going to the park, being to busy to do anything, crying, and being pitiful. We have always gone to school and work, except for me this year. So there is no clear cut way to do this anniversary of something you would rather not think about. I just wish ours wasn't on a "holiday". I makes it impossible for the day to just become "any other day" and slip by unnoticed.
This year has been weird. The kids are bigger. No one has said much of anything. We are together much less than when they were small. So, I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that this "anniversary" was approaching seemingly unnoticed. I was unsure if they knew, or didn't know, were ignoring, keeping their thoughts to themselves, or talking to their friends instead of me. I couldn't decide if they were not talking to me but wanted to....... I have been tempted to bring it up, but I don't want to make them sad, or unhappy or anything other than fine. And they have seemed fine. Great actually. One just got his learner's permit and and loving lacrosse season, the other just got her prom dress, and is happily playing volleyball and filming lacrosse games. It seemed a shame to ask and break up this season of joy. I used to prep them when they were younger and less aware of the calendar. St. Patrick's Day is noticeable, a "holiday", and I didn't want them to be caught off guard. But, now they are aware of dates and calendars, and I didn't know if I should prep them or just wait to see what happened. So I waited.
What happened was a text from school. "Can we go to the cemetery on Sunday? I didn't realize it was here already and now I am crying at school". Argh. Mom fail. Now I feel so helpless and like I made the wrong choice, but there is not right choice. After a series of texts (yes while they are at school and presumably in class).......one wants the cemetery, the other to eat at his dad's favorite place. So, a plan is coming together. I'm letting them take the lead. I usually do so that we do what they need. I don't know what I need.
Seven years and I'm still no expert. I just want my kids to be happy and okay, same as day 1, which I still can't believe was 7 years ago.
Grief is different for everyone and from what I can tell it is different every year. Despite my best efforts, I have not mastered it by any measure. One of the hardest things for me is not knowing what my kids need. I want to be there if they need me. I don't want to smother them if they don't. I don't want to make them think they should feel any kind of way. It's a fine line. I just wish it could go by like any other day and we could just roll into the next year.
I don't really believe in the stages of grief. At least not in the order they are presented in grief books. Year 1 and 2 were hard, year 5 was terrible, this year has been okay and I don't even remember last year. The first year, we had a cookout at a friends in order to keep busy. Other years we have alternated between ignoring, and remembering; releasing balloons with messages (surprisingly cathartic), having pizza with friends, eating at his favorite restaurant, going to the park, being to busy to do anything, crying, and being pitiful. We have always gone to school and work, except for me this year. So there is no clear cut way to do this anniversary of something you would rather not think about. I just wish ours wasn't on a "holiday". I makes it impossible for the day to just become "any other day" and slip by unnoticed.
This year has been weird. The kids are bigger. No one has said much of anything. We are together much less than when they were small. So, I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing that this "anniversary" was approaching seemingly unnoticed. I was unsure if they knew, or didn't know, were ignoring, keeping their thoughts to themselves, or talking to their friends instead of me. I couldn't decide if they were not talking to me but wanted to....... I have been tempted to bring it up, but I don't want to make them sad, or unhappy or anything other than fine. And they have seemed fine. Great actually. One just got his learner's permit and and loving lacrosse season, the other just got her prom dress, and is happily playing volleyball and filming lacrosse games. It seemed a shame to ask and break up this season of joy. I used to prep them when they were younger and less aware of the calendar. St. Patrick's Day is noticeable, a "holiday", and I didn't want them to be caught off guard. But, now they are aware of dates and calendars, and I didn't know if I should prep them or just wait to see what happened. So I waited.
What happened was a text from school. "Can we go to the cemetery on Sunday? I didn't realize it was here already and now I am crying at school". Argh. Mom fail. Now I feel so helpless and like I made the wrong choice, but there is not right choice. After a series of texts (yes while they are at school and presumably in class).......one wants the cemetery, the other to eat at his dad's favorite place. So, a plan is coming together. I'm letting them take the lead. I usually do so that we do what they need. I don't know what I need.
Seven years and I'm still no expert. I just want my kids to be happy and okay, same as day 1, which I still can't believe was 7 years ago.
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