Only Parenting

Only parenting is one of the hardest aspects of widowhood for me.  Those of you who are married and raising kids probably don't even realize how much you think, discuss, and decide with your spouse.  When your kid is in trouble, or struggling, you brain storm and make decisions together.   Even divorced single parents work to "co-parent" and handle issues in whatever way "together" looks like in their world.  In my world that is all up to a very indecisive me. It's hard, and I second guess myself all of the time.  I guess you could say, I sweat the small stuff.  I have a boyfriend, and he loves my kids too, and while I am sure he could tell you that I do discuss my thought processes with him (again and again and again), in the end, the decision is all mine.  I cannot bare the weight of that sometimes.  Well, I can't but it's hard, and I don't like it.  

Last  year, my son started the year in the 6th grade band.  He was enthused and determined to be first chair.  At the same time, however, also had lacrosse, made the middle school tennis team, and then made the travel basketball team.  Of course, he also had homework.  It also turned out he didn't really love the trombone as much as he had anticipated.  He begged to quit.  Begged.  Pleaded.  I was paralyzed.  I remembered my parents saying to me, once you start something you have to see it through.  I still think that way.  "We aren't quitters" has always been my motto.  Except, that it was November, and seeing it through meant May.  It also meant, a rental fee of $35 a month for an instrument he didn't like, and me "reminding" him to practice (aka arguing and fighting with him).  I was unsure.  And tired.

It all comes down to the fact that I hate making decisions, in case I make the wrong one.  So, after fretting, and thinking, and worrying, and with a heavy heart, I left him quit at the semester.  There was one caveat.........he had to move to chorus, because my rule for middle schoolers in this house is music participation.  (I have sporty kids and I want them to develop and learn to appreciate music before they are too busy with high school sports.)  An email, and a little work on his end, and things were arranged.  Chorus had another boy!

He has always been a good singer.  And when he wanted to do band, I actually had tried to steer him to chorus, reminding him he can't practice trombone in the car, but that he can sing on the way to a game or practice.   I was hoping it would be a good fit.   As it turns out he LOVED chorus.  He LOVED it, in the talked about it almost every day after school kind of way.  Then, he tried out for a spotlight in the spring concert.  Then, he requested to go to theater camp, so he would have a little experience in case he wants to be in the fall musical at school.  Then, he tried out for (much to my surprise) and got a solo in the theater camp production.  And then, he rocked it!  Now I am always proud of my kids - every basket, or goal, a show of good teamwork, or a great block in volleyball are always exciting.  I especially like to hear when they are kind, or good to others.  But, there was something about watching my boy sing.  Oh how it did my heart good.  I think I could finally let it go.  I'd chosen wisely, and his life was richer for it.  (Insert big exhale here).

I think it as a little like the performance said to me, well done mom.  Good decision making.  And, since their dad isn't here to say that to me, it was nice to feel like someone (the producer, the audience....) agreed.