Widow
In those early days of widowhood, it was like a new name. I tried it out a few times. It was always awkward, or shocking to the other party. You're what? No one expects someone "my age" to be a widow. But, I was. I remember crying before I started my new job thinking how everyone there would only know the widow me, the broken version of the formerly awesome me. The widow version. It was hard to think I would be meeting a whole new group of people who would only know me, and never know Michael. They would only know me apart for him. It was horrifying to me. I hated it. And looking back, I don't know how I did it that year.
As time pressed on, I realized that most people presumed I was divorced, unless I told them otherwise. And that was terrible to me, so I have ended up, awkwardly as times, telling people I am a widow, lest they think I'm divorced (no offense to my divorced friends out there, it's just I wasn't and didn't like people presuming it). I still don't, and so I still do. Hopefully, 4 and a half years have made it less awkward than when it was raw.
Once, I confused my nail technician. It was my first time at a small, fancy salon (I had a Groupon). I was telling her how my husband didn't like the nail color I was choosing because it was pale and so was I. Then my phone started to ring and it was my boyfriend, and I said, "I've got to take this it's my boyfriend and he is babysitting my kids". She looked at me with huge eyes and said - "girl, you talk too much". And then I had to explain. I like to avoid that.
Another time, my new boyfriend (who was a good friends with my husband) and I went to a party. It was our first "public event", and there were several people there that I hadn't seen since the funeral. I felt like I blew their minds, and not in a good way. I felt terrible all night. I like to avoid that too.
But, the name, the title, the designation.........it is important. I am a widow. It has changed me. It has changed my life. It impacts most everything; my emotions, my finances, my home life, my kids, my level of exhaustion....... When I say I don't get a break, I mean it. I have kids 7 days a week, all my waking hours of the day, 365 days a year, unless by some miracle I can get them both a sleepover, or they both have a party on the same day. And I love them, but it's tiring to never feel like just you.
And so, what does one do, with a title that seems like a stigma? I try to do what I try to do with everything else. My best. If I find out a workout I like, I tell everyone I know, because maybe someone else will like it to and be better for it. If I make a super awesome dinner, that was easy and good, I post it on Facebook, because, I know we are all tired and dinner can be hard. With every lesson I teach, or child I work with.......I offer the best I have every day. I like helping people. I like making a difference. I like making people's lives better. I like making people happy. It is what makes me happy. And so, the same now applies to being a widow. It is the only way I can see to make it okay. I can use this name, and all that has come with it, to help others.
As time pressed on, I realized that most people presumed I was divorced, unless I told them otherwise. And that was terrible to me, so I have ended up, awkwardly as times, telling people I am a widow, lest they think I'm divorced (no offense to my divorced friends out there, it's just I wasn't and didn't like people presuming it). I still don't, and so I still do. Hopefully, 4 and a half years have made it less awkward than when it was raw.
Once, I confused my nail technician. It was my first time at a small, fancy salon (I had a Groupon). I was telling her how my husband didn't like the nail color I was choosing because it was pale and so was I. Then my phone started to ring and it was my boyfriend, and I said, "I've got to take this it's my boyfriend and he is babysitting my kids". She looked at me with huge eyes and said - "girl, you talk too much". And then I had to explain. I like to avoid that.
Another time, my new boyfriend (who was a good friends with my husband) and I went to a party. It was our first "public event", and there were several people there that I hadn't seen since the funeral. I felt like I blew their minds, and not in a good way. I felt terrible all night. I like to avoid that too.
But, the name, the title, the designation.........it is important. I am a widow. It has changed me. It has changed my life. It impacts most everything; my emotions, my finances, my home life, my kids, my level of exhaustion....... When I say I don't get a break, I mean it. I have kids 7 days a week, all my waking hours of the day, 365 days a year, unless by some miracle I can get them both a sleepover, or they both have a party on the same day. And I love them, but it's tiring to never feel like just you.
And so, what does one do, with a title that seems like a stigma? I try to do what I try to do with everything else. My best. If I find out a workout I like, I tell everyone I know, because maybe someone else will like it to and be better for it. If I make a super awesome dinner, that was easy and good, I post it on Facebook, because, I know we are all tired and dinner can be hard. With every lesson I teach, or child I work with.......I offer the best I have every day. I like helping people. I like making a difference. I like making people's lives better. I like making people happy. It is what makes me happy. And so, the same now applies to being a widow. It is the only way I can see to make it okay. I can use this name, and all that has come with it, to help others.
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